The Return: Day 1

It would appear as if something were against me returning to school. First, the weather tried maliciously to stop me; ever-changing to foil my plans, then torrentially distributing snow, it desired greatly to keep me home. Fortunately, thanks to my dentist and his wise counsel, I won against the weather's wiles. I encountered no further problems until this morning as I was frantically packing so I could leave for church (and to school from there). My darling fish Ishmael, more fondly known as Ishy (the Fishy), decided to rebel. I was pouring him from his bowl into his travel container in the usual fashion. He normally tries to swim against the flow of water, but eventually surrenders. Today, he clung desperately onto the rocks at the bottom of his bowl, refusing to transfer homes temporarily, even once the bowl was completely drained of water--his second suicidal attempt in the past two weeks. I eventually got him to comply, but not until about three-fourths of his rocks were scattered all over my grandparents' kitchen sink. I was consequently late for church. Finally, upon my arrival to school, I rushed into my room, eager to get my milk in the refrigerator. During break, I had unplugged the refrigerator and put it in the shower so it could defrost. Little did I know, it had defrosted all right. What it hadn't done was drain. My suitemate, who had arrived the previous night, had drained it, leaving no evidence. With great difficulty, I moved it back into my room into its normal place and opened it just to discover the inside filled with mold. I've had quite the warm welcome back to the lovely, snow-laden state of Michigan, and I'm quite interested to see the new, ridiculous challenges I have to face soon.

(On a positive note, I'm glad to be back! It's wonderful to have a clean, organized, room to myself for a while! Plus I love unpacking, so this afternoon has been thoroughly enjoyable, and I consider my unfortunate setbacks as the humor to add excitement to my otherwise smooth, uneventful trip.)

So this is the new year...

...and I have no resolutions.

Resolutions and I don't do well together. I hold such high expectations for myself that any resolutions I've ever made have always been entirely unattainable. Yet each time, I'm shocked and immensely disappointed with my failure. Thus, I refuse to make them anymore. My dad thinks this means I don't have plans or goals. I do. My entire life is one gigantic series of webs, ever-increasing, spanning the back of my mind. Some people think webs indicate lack of use, like cobwebs; on the contrary, for me they are evidence of use. I guess that makes me a spider?

One thing I've been learning since the beginning of break is trust. Trust is like math--each lesson builds on the previous ones, and you can learn it your entire life and still never know it completely. This has made itself apparent in several situations that have really grasped my attention.

First, there is the issue of this summer. Since coming back to school, I've been trying to figure out what to do, where to be, etc. I wanted to be anywhere but living at home, working for Kraft again. It's something I constantly was dwelling on and bringing up in conversations. Finally, after being totally exhausted by it, I gave it up for a few weeks--probably from about the beginning of Thanksgiving break until the end of the semester. On the first Friday of break, though, I mentioned it to a friend, though not nearly as frantically as I had in the past. I believe there was even a deep breath that accompanied it. By that point, though I wouldn't admit it, I was already figuring I just needed to trust God with it. Later that night, I got an email from a professor asking if I'd like to teach English to Japanese and Brazilian students at my school for a month, July 8-August 11. Now I'm probably still going to be at home working for Kraft for the beginning of the summer, but how awesome is that?! I'll probably only be working for about 7 1/2 weeks. That's not too bad. Plus, it'll provide me with the money that I desperately need....which brings me to Trust Issue #2.

One night while at my grandparents' house, I became really concerned with my lack of finances. What college student doesn't need more money? I do tend to over-exaggerate how little money I have, but I figure it's a win-win situation: in reality, I'm not quite as poor as I think, but it keeps me from ever spending unnecessarily. Still, I have a car payment and I'm rapidly accumulating student loans, and I don't work very much while in school. The next morning, I just laughed at myself and gained consolation from the fact that my God WILL supply all I need. I'll admit I'm still having a tough time with this one, though--just today I found out that my already-few hours are being reduced by two each week. According to my calculations, cutting the Counselor Assistants' hours this much will save the school approximately $1100 this semester. For a college, that isn't a huge deal. For students, the loss of $60/month is. I was a little overwhelmed by this, but I'm trying to trust God that he knows what he's doing. My only concern is how I'm supposed to respond--do I do nothing? Look for an additional job or a different one that can give me more hours? That would probably mean sacrificing my completely open, three-and-a-half-day weekends. I don't want to do that, but should I? After comparing this to past events, I've concluded that I will intentionally not do anything, but be on the lookout for opportunities that might conveniently present themselves.

Trust Issue #3: school. I'm really ready to leave home, but I'm not ready to go back to school...at least not all aspects of it. I'm excited to once again have a routine, do something productive, and be around all of the people. I'm not so ready for homework or to return to anything even slightly resembling last semester. I am quite literally afraid to enter my room. Over break, I've gained some perspective, a LOT of perspective actually, and figured out much of what was wrong about the way I was viewing things last semester. I truly believe next semester will be better, but I can't help but be apprehensive. What if, when I go back, everything resumes as it was before? What if I screw it up again? What if all these plans I'm making to spend much more time with a few specific friends more often all fall through? This is my biggest one right now. I guess...I'll just keep hoping and praying.

I think that the opportunity to teach over the summer was God's way of saying, "Hey, watch, I'll take care of you," right before presenting me with other situations where I need to trust him. Just a thought.

Happy new year.

Trust

On the way to church tonight I was feeling rather contemplative and I was thinking, what does it really mean to trust someone? When you tell someone something personal and trust them with it, it's more than expecting them not to tell another person or not to think less of you because of it--so what is it exactly? It's just interesting to think about.

Results of spilled soup and disorganization

I'm kind of tired of this winter break thing. Being home isn't bad or depressing like I had anticipated at one point, but everything is just so...blah. I can't properly settle in because I'm not actually here that long. That's fine when I'm on vacation staying somewhere else, but I'm supposed to be home, somewhere I typically don't live out of a suitcase. Actually I take that back--in the past, when I'd come home from a trip, I put off unpacking until about a week later because I just didn't like doing it. But that's beside the point. I've tried to unpack, but things just don't have a place anymore. At school, I know where each and every thing goes--which drawer, what spot on the bookshelf, which cubby in my closet organizer, or just thrown under the beds or up in Purgatory--but it all has a place. Here there are no places for some things. There are no specific drawers for certain articles of clothing. My drawers and closet have been overtaken by things I don't know what to do with when I go to school, so I've just thrown them somewhere they won't get in the way or make the room look messy. I don't even have a place I can keep my fish semi-permanently. He's in my room but I have to move him to the bathroom at night because my room gets too cold, and he needs to be relocated every time I leave the house because I have to turn off the space heater which is what keeps the room warm in the first place. And wherever he is, the door needs to stay closed so the cat doesn't get him. I don't like it. It shouldn't bother me so much, and didn't until about two hours ago, but it does. Have you ever wanted to just not be anywhere? I cannot think of a single place I would like to be right now. I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be back at my grandparents' house where I just came from two days ago, nor do I want to be back at school--just the thought of that is somewhat sickening at the moment. I guess this is just me being cranky. Whatever.

Observations

Today, my dad took my car to get the oil changed for me. I'll admit I waited so long to do it partially for that reason--I knew he would. Not only that, but I didn't have much time with the end of the semester craziness, and I knew that if he did it, he'd know what else to get checked out. Like today, for instance. Not only did he get the oil changed, but he had the air filter checked, too. Apparently it was really dirty, preventing me from getting good gas milage, so he had it replaced. As if that wasn't enough, he filled up my gas tank. I really appreciate that. Naturally, I'd feel bad, but I think he likes doing it. I thanked him already, but tomorrow I think I'll give him a hug and tell him thank you again.

On a completely different note, I hate how physical appearances hinder people from getting to know each other, how they always alter a person's real demeanor and personality. I used to know a woman who wasn't very attractive. If you took everything she did and said at face value, though, it appeared as though she thought she was really pretty, and it almost made her seem conceited. To this day, I'm still not sure if that was true, or if she was just insecure in that area to where she overcompensated by acting a bit too confident. I knew her pretty well, and I still have no idea. It just bothers me. What would we be like if none of us could see each other? I think relationships would be far better, with friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, significant others...everyone. At the same time, I know we'd find other ways to judge and other facets of ourselves to worry about. What would we be like if we were stripped of all self-consciousness and could really act naturally? How would we see others? It's just interesting to ponder.

Another bad conversation

I miss having really long conversations wtih people not because either of us feels obligated or either needs the other, but simply out of a mutual desire to learn more about the other person. In fact, my skills as a conversationalist have greatly deteriorated. I used to be able to have a good talk wtih just about anyone. Now, with acquaintances, I either can't think of a word to say or I ramble. Like tonight, for example. I was talking cordially to my aunt and uncle's neighbor, whom I'd previously met on several occasions. I swam in his pool when I was younger. He asked me how many students attended my school. It should've been easy, one word, five if I put it in a full sentence. "It has about eleven hundred." But no, I estimated, then tried to re-estimate in my head, then second guessed myself and gave another number, then said something about how I should know because I work in Admissions, and I'm not even sure where it went from there. And with people who really know me, one of four things happens. There's still the silence or the rambling, but there's also the default "What did you do today?" conversation, along with the occasional "I'm going to emotionally try to explain everything that's been going on in my life" discussion. Rarely do I end a talk with someone feeling refreshed, and I can guarantee it's not because of the other person--I have so many wonderful people in my life, there's no way it could be their fault.

Why have I been like this lately? I'm not sure, but I have a couple ideas. First, I've changed. My mind doesn't work in quite the same ways it used to. I don't get excited as easily. Sometimes I honestly have no idea what to say to someone. Other times when I'm quiet, I genuinely just want to listen. I want to be talked to, about almost anything, but I don't want to talk. I've always been like that to some extent--which is why I love listening to you talk for hours, Liz--but more so lately. In my frightfully annoying rambling times, I think, depending on the situation, I'm either trying to compensate for not knowing wht to say or trying to sort out what I think (like now).

Whatever it is, it needs to change. It's been hurting my relationships. I think I'm going to try to be more intentional about what I say. I'm going to work on saying what's on my mind more often, but refraining from something that is utterly unnecessary and unexciting to the listener. I'm not sure how, but I'll try.

I'm sorry to everyone this has affected--now that you know I'm trying to do better at this, could you please try to hold me accountable to it? I'd definitely appreciate it.

My semester...in a nutshell?

I don't feel like my semester can be put in a nutshell. I think it merits the delicacy of an eggshell, the explosiveness of a bombshell, and the enormity of an alligator snapping turtle shell...ahahaha you can tell I just got done with finals week.

Anyway, I don't normally go this in-depth in my blogs, but it's late, I'm tired, and I don't think many people read them anyway, at least not people who don't already know what's going on in my life.

You know how it is when you're mad at a friend so you completely ignore them, but then after a while you start to realize how much you miss them? That's how it's been with God lately. Since the beginning of the semester, I've been struggling with what it means to truly love God. I'm called to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind, adn strength...but I don't. this could easily be answered with, "Of course you don't--no one does, because no one is perfect." I guess I should clarify: I don't at all. Reading the Bible has always been such a chore for me, as is prayer. I grew up only attending church because my parents made me, and since coming to school only because I'd feel guilty if I didn't. There are people who are absolutely precious to me, and I can't even begin to describe how much I love them. I know, sadly, I do not feel the same about God. I desperately want to--He saved me, died for me, takes care of me, teaches me, provides for me, He's patient with me, and He loves me. In other words, I have no reason not to love Him. But I don't. I want to, but I don't.

It's been horrible this semester seeing my friends as they've spent their summers growing in their love and desire for God and continuing that into the year. I'm happy for them and thankful for that happening in their lives, but I've been constantly wrestling with God about why the same can't occur in my life. God, for years I've tried to follow you, tried to obey you, tried to trust you, tried to be everything you want from me...yet where has that gotten me? Nowhere. I've admitted I can't do this myself, that I need you, but have you helped? You've worked in the lives of my friends, now where are you in mine? What do you want from me?

On several occasions, I ended up really angry. The last of these times was about a week ago. I was so frustrated I decided I wasn't going to have anything to do with God--no church, no prayer, no Christian music, and I wasn't going to touch my Bible. If God ever decided He had anything to say to me, He'd have to find some other way to say it.

That was an interesting experience, considering how, for the past year, I've been pretty sure I'm supposed to spend my life doing missions, and that's the reason for my major and minor. It raised questions like, "What do I actually WANT to do with my life?" and "If I'm going to forget about God, should I even return to school next semester, or would that be a waste of my time and money?" It was a bit disconcerting, to say the least.

When I was consciously putting forth effort into ignoring God, I began to notice how often my thought patterns turned into telling Him or asking Him things. When I caught myself doing this, I'd sigh, clench my teeth, and try to stop. It was so incredibly lonely.

Maybe it can be attributed to the fact that I was trying to break patterns I'd been forming all my life, but I really missed God. Now if this was something that was happening with a friend,I wouldn't go running back unless I had some plan for how things could change...but with this, I'm still at a loss. I don't want everything to resume how it was before, but I'm not sure how to change it, either. I just know I'm ready to have God back.

(And here I'm going to copy Sharon's prayer list)

Praise God...

-for His presence
-for listening
-for loving
-for His patience
-for His omniscience
-for understanding
-for providing
-for three weeks of no homework
-for friends who are supportive
-for teaching

Pray...

-that God will lead me to someone who can help me answer my questions and sort through everything. I greatly miss the wisdom and influence of those who are quite a bit older than me and have learned far more.
-that I will learn what it means to love God
-that I won't let my pride and stubborness get in the way of searching for answers
-that I will learn to put God first and rely on Him fully