This is my life?!

Fashion...is not really my thing. I try to dress nicely. When I worked at Bakers, I really tried to be stylish. I will admit, few things are more empowering than being well-dressed and looking great at 5'11" in stilettos and being able to walk in them flawlessly. My time in the fashion world was short-lived, though. I'm much more of a flat boots and flannel shirt person. Although the ever-changing obnoxious world of trends is not for me, I have a secret love for reading fashion magazines because they bring out the tiny bit of creativity in me. That's why I'm writing. It probably won't be any good, but that's okay.

On the drive home from school today, I was thinking about my life. It's the beginning of April. The next month will be crazy with lots of schoolwork. The first week in May will be finals, packing, and moving out. Who even knows what the second week will be...just me wandering about enjoying seeing my grandparents (and hopefully friends, too) and having no homework. The third week in May will be spent on a missions trip to Mexico with a completely awesome group of people. The fourth week in May will be back home and working for Kraft. All of June will be work...and hopefully a good amount of it. A lot, so that I can actually make money, but not too much where I'm so exhausted that, like one night at the beginning of July last year, I literally go to bed at 7 because I have no desire to do anything except sleep. The first week in July will be work. July 8th, I start teaching English back at school! For five weeks, I'll be teaching Brazilian and Japanese students. I don't have an itinerary for the Japanese yet, but Brazil sent their the other day. Can I just say...it's going to be awesome! There's only an average of 2 1/2 hours of classroom teaching each day, then the rest of the time will be spent going to baseball games, going to the beach, going to the zoo, going to Cedar Point, going to Mackinaw Island, going to Chicago...and they pay for the teachers to do all these activities with them! I'm essentially getting paid to hang out and do fun activities with Brazilian students. How cool is that? That's through July 26 (I think), then the Japanese come. After they leave on August 11, I have about four weeks of "nothing." I'm sure they'll be crazy busy, though, because the first week in September, I leave for Ireland for thee months! Oh my goodness. Then, early to mid-December, I come back, go through Christmas craziness, and return to school.

I came to the conclusion that my life is ridiculous. Nothing about this is normal. For most college students, life right now is finishing school for this semester, working over the summer, then going back to school in the fall to resume everything as it was this year, just perhaps with different classes and living situations. Nothing too out of the ordinary. But me, I've got school, Mexico, work, teaching, and Ireland. I'll have been in three countries (including the U.S.) in the next six months, and probably even more by the end of the year...and I'll have lived in two of them. I'm totally looking forward to this, but it's kind of scary. It's an adventure, for sure, and adventures scare me.

This morning, I was supposed to play racquetball. Upon finding out that the gym was closed for the weekend, I decided to take advantage of the incredible weather. I walked around the campus pond a few times, then retreated to my new favorite place--a particular willow tree that hovers over the home of some small, furry creature. It's the perfect tree to sit in. It has four large branches (large being about a foot and a half in diameter) growing out of its main trunk. I think there used to be two more, but for some reason, someone thought they were bad and cut them off. Now, there are two stump-like things right around where the branches split off from the trunk, and they're perfect for sitting. There's nothing worse than having to awkwardly straddle a branch to stay in a tree. So I sat up there for a while and I talked to God about what it means to trust him and how I often have a hard time with it. Later, when I was driving home and contemplating the rest of my year and how much will be changing as a result of all my plans, God just kind of jumped in mid-thought and said, "...but I'll still be there. I'm the one thing that'll be consistent the whole time." I really liked that. For some reason, he suddenly seems so much more tangible. I've joked with my friends about hiding them in my suitcase and bringing them with me, but with God that can actually happen, and I don't have to worry about paying extra for the luggage being too heavy.

So I guess from here on out, it's Jesus and me on one crazy adventure...just pray that I don't forget he's there.

I love playing racquetball. It's the one and only time (aside form being in a very deep sleep) that I'm not thinking about twenty-seven things at once. It's mentally relaxing.

Just be...

It's spring break. How is this possible? This semester has flown by...that's how it always is, isn't it? I know it's partly because I love school, though it's sometimes overwhelming and it doesn't seem like I'm too fond of it. I think it is also because I have a goal and the deadline is in sight. What is that goal? I couldn't tell you. I'm not sure. So why am I fighting so hard to reach it? That's a really good question. I'd say it's due to a lack of contentment.

There are things all of us want. Specifically, as Americans, I think what most of us want is selfish, idealistic, and/or materialistic. I wouldn't consider myself very materialistic. I'm the person who asks for practical things for Christmas like windshield wipers and laundry detergent. Idealistic and selfish, though, could quite possibly be used to describe me, and I display that far more in my relationships than anything else. I want things to be as perfect as they can be (considering we're all human and are bound to mess up) and won't be content until they are. It's frustrating. And of course, frustration only makes it worse. I could take this in a biblical direction, but I don't want to preach--to myself or anyone else. Just looking at it practically has enough implications of its own. Why can't people simply be content? I don't think it's necessarily wrong to want more; lacking contentment until we have it is the problem. By desiring some ideal of which I'm not even aware, I'm setting myself up for disappointment, as is everyone who does the same. Why can't I just be, now, and not pay attention to what's lacking? Here's my plan I'm going to try: whenever I'm with someone or talking to someone, I'm not going to think about twenty-seven other things. I'm not going to consider my presuppositions of them--how they've annoyed me or let me down, characteristics I don't like about them, etc. I don't know what this will look like when applied, but we'll see. I want to be content with people. I want to finish this year having not failed in striving for some unrealistic goal...what good would that do? I want to finish it having enjoyed it with the people who contribute so much value to my life.

Go.

One of the most stereotypical questions posed to Christians is, "If God is so loving, why does he allow so many bad things to happen in the world?" I can totally understand where people are coming from when they ask this. Where is God in the Haiti earthquake? Where is God in North Korea? Where was God in Svay Pak, Cambodia before the couple dozen brothels were raided and the victims of human trafficking were rescued? Where was God in Darfur? Or Rwanda? I'm comfortable not having all the answers, just knowing that my God cannot be constrained or defined by events that happen here on earth. Other people aren't satisfied with that, though, and I can't say I blame them.

I never had an answer. I didn't know how to respond. I'd verbally run in circles, trying to make up some excuse that lined up with the Bible and sounded rational. It didn't often work, and I felt defeated. Well now I am quite thrilled to say I have decided on an answer. I don't think it's possible to ever explain God's sovereignty completely, but I find this to be enough for now. 

Remember the book I said I read, True Story: A Christianity worth believing in? The author made a good point. In Old Testament times, the temple was the place where the people of Israel could encounter God. It was where heaven and earth intersected. Where the temple was, God was. Now, since Christ came and we have the Holy Spirit, Christians have become the new temple (1 Corinthians 3:16). We are the physical embodiment of God. Where WE are,  God is. 

The question is not "where is God?" It's "where is the church?" I believe God works in a myriad of ways, but as Christians, we have no right to question God's presence (or lack thereof) anywhere, in anything, if we ourselves are not physically bringing it there. Go. Support someone else who's going. Quit asking and do something. Bring God to the hopeless. 

Long weeks lead to cranky contemplation.

"Now the curtain's coming up

The audience is still

I'm struggling to cater for

The space I'm meant to fill."

-(KT Tunstall, "False Alarm")-

As I said before, this semester is one of reconciliation--it's a time now to do things right. This week, I began to see how much pressure that puts on me. I feel like so many people are watching me--my family, my friends, my classmates, my professors, the people I live with, my Terra Firma group--and I don't know what to do. I don't know what they expect me to do. I feel like I'm fumbling around aimlessly in front of them.

At the same time, I'm having a really hard time answering the question of what I'm supposed to do, where this point in my life fits into the grand scheme of it all. It seems to me like all I've been doing at school is absorbing a wealth of information and doing absolutely nothing with it. People have told me that this is what college is for, this is what I should be focusing on now. I disagree. If that's the case, then no one would accomplish anything in their lives, ever, because we're always learning. Learning isn't an excuse to stop doing.

I'm confident that there will come a point where I'll apply (most of) what I've been learning in classes. I'll start using what I learned in last semester's Spanish class on Monday when I start Spanish 2. I'll use the knowledge from Intro to Linguistics on Tuesday in Sociolinguistics. I've learned a lot outside of classes, too. I've learned about myself, how I handle different situations, how I react based on circumstances, what I value, what I want, what I need, why I possess some of my odd qualities...but what has this led to? It's answered questions, but also created more frustration and generated new questions. It's led to doubt. As for my friendships, I'd say they've suffered. And all for the sake of learning?

J-term has worn me down. I'm exhausted. I get pretty self-defeating when I'm this tired, but it's shed light upon the fact that last semester's struggles aren't nearly over. The difference is I know now that I can't just focus on how I can produce the optimal situation for myself out of what I've been given. That just doesn't work. Being that self-centered, while natural and understandable in this situation, is still inexcusable and completely unfulfilling.

How can I benefit others? How can I improve my relationships? What do I have to do in order to make progress in life rather than sit here wallowing in an overload of information? I'm not really sure where to start. If I may end with another KT Tunstall quote...

"I need to be patient

And I need to be brave

I need to discover how I need to behave

I'll find out the answers when I know what to ask

but I speak a different language and everybody's talking too fast."

("Miniature Disasters")

True Story

I just finished reading a book. A book! I read something that wasn’t required for school! Despite my love for reading, this has been far too uncommon the past few years. It was called True Story: A Christianity Worth Believing In. It was about many of the questions that Christianity faces, to put it simply. I’m still processing, but I can say for sure it’s changed how I picture heaven and how I will present the gospel from now on. There was one thing that hit me especially hard. It wasn’t necessarily what the book said, but more what it made me think about. There was a section talking about forgiveness. Of course, I was confidently sitting on my high horse with a beaming smile, claiming that forgiveness comes pretty naturally to me; I don’t really hold grudges. After all, in general, the only people who hurt me are those whom I love, who are close enough to hurt me. And in most cases, I love them enough where, after some time, I have no problem forgiving them. They’re people who care about me in return, and having them in my life is worth sacrificing my pride enough to accept their apologies and forgive them. Essentially I was taking pride in the fact that I can set aside my pride in order to forgive, when I was faced with a realization.

I’ve heard the cliché phrase before, “I’m my own worst critic.” Or it may be “hardest critic” or something else of the sort, but either way, it’s most definitely true. Not gonna lie, I’ve put myself through a lot of crap. That’s what comes along with being a perfectionist—high expectations and a lot of letdowns. I was just reflecting earlier this afternoon on how I think I often appear more confident than I actually am…but do I really lack that much confidence? I don’t think so. I often feel like I know what I’m doing, at least to a certain extent—maybe not in the important things like life, but I’m pretty comfortable with knowing that I’ll never actually know that; what I need to know will come in time. I think the lack of confidence I so often experience is my distrust of what I’m going to end up putting myself through. I think I might be okay at forgiving others, but what about forgiving myself? I jokingly place the blame on others, even inanimate objects—like in racquetball, when I miss the ball because it was awkwardly close to the wall, it’s the wall’s fault. Or a joke between Sharon and me, “blame in on the Smurfs.” In reality, though, I blame myself for just about all of the negative things that have happened in my life. I overcomplicate, overanalyze, overreact…all to my detriment. Until my freshman year of high school, I couldn’t even laugh at myself. I’ve since learned to approach my downfalls with a little more of a sense of humor, but it’s still not easy.

This isn’t at all to say I should avoid responsibility for my faults and the wrongs that I’ve caused. Rather, I think I need to readjust my view. As a Christian, being forgiven is a huge part of my identity—why can’t I accept that? God expects me to take up my cross and follow him, entailing that I try (through his power) to become more like Christ and further the kingdom of God. Fortunately he doesn’t expect perfection from me, or even anything resembling it. When I screw up, it’s still wrong and I need to try not to, but it will be okay. Do I hold myself to higher standards than God holds me to? Something’s wrong with that. I need to stop, I need to forgive myself for the hell I’ve put myself through, for times I’ve hurt my friends and family, for saying hurtful things I don’t mean, and for the struggle that last semester was. Only then can there be reconciliation and reparation.

On another note, I figured out something else. Anyone who knows me well knows that I can often get somewhat jealous of my friends’ other friends. I’ve never been entirely sure of why. I think the reason is multifaceted, and I’ve speculated on many of the reasons and identified some, but I found another: I’m afraid the time a friend of mine spends with someone else will devalue the relationship that friend has with me. I had a hard time coming to terms with how ridiculous this was until I realize that it’s exactly what I do. When I go a while without seeing one of my friends, I still love that person (and always will), but they really do mean less to me. Even with someone I see on a regular basis, if I start spending my time with other people, I value my other relationships less. And here I am, afraid that my friends will do the same to me. It’s horrible, I know. I acknowledge that. I'm truly sorry to all those this affects. It’s something I need to work on.

So where does this leave me? I have no idea, but I’ve learned a lot today. I don’t know how this will affect tomorrow, but for now it’s time to stop thinking and sleep before my class tomorrow morning.

Humility: a puzzling subject

I found myself laying awake two nights ago praying, and I quite suddenly came up with the notion that I hadn't been praying very humbly lately. This thought surprised me a little, leading me to contemplate its origin. I concluded this: When I think of humility, I think of laying down my pride, sacrificing for others, resisting thinking critically of others, admitting my downfalls...none of which are easy tasks or processes. Therefore, I set humility on a pedestal as something unattainable that requires me to act entirely contrary to my natural character. To pray humbly, then, I assume I need to be constantly contrite, confessing the countless occasions on which I completely failed. When I was praying that night, I wasn't doing that. I was happy. I felt guilty for having an amiable conversation with God.

What's wrong with this picture? It's totally screwed up, but then how should one humbly approach God? With what level of respect should we address him? We epically fail on a daily basis; what degree of repentance is required? How can that be incorporated with everything else we need to pray about--requests on behalf of others, requests of our own, praise, and our thoughts that we want to share with our friend and creator? On top of that, how does true (not idealized) humility work in everyday life? Christians are called to deny ourselves, but I don't believe that means to give up who we're made to be in pursuit of a "humble" stereotype--to be humble I need to morph into someone who never exerts opinions or feelings, tiptoes around so as to avoid stepping on people's toes, always working in the background, quiet, never noticed, never outspoken, rarely enthusiastic. After all, Jesus' teachings are anything but stereotypes. In fact, these qualities aren't necessarily what Jesus advocates. How then do we deny ourselves but retain our individual qualities which are so integral to the body of Christ?

There's something in me that thinks I can't be humble and enjoy myself at the same time...humility looks different for everyone, but how does it fit into my personality and character? I think it's like a puzzle. No one is a whole, complete, put-together puzzle until they get to heaven. While on earth, following Christ is the act of putting together the puzzle--we're given access to the pieces once we accept Christ, then we connect the pieces of prayer, Bible reading, serving, all the fruits of the Spirit, humility, etc. to reveal the image of God. Everyone's picture is a little different, though, and their pieces are shaped differently. I guess then that I'm trying to figure out what shape and colors my piece of humility possesses. It's a fascinating thought. I'd love to hear feedback if anyone thinks they can add something of value--on your experiences, what you've found true in your life, how you might disagree, or whatever else you'd like to share.