Lesson 2

Last night, the thought of returning to school in less than 48 hours horrified me. I was dreading it. I needed more time. This morning, I woke up early, got my hair cut, stopped at CVS to refill a prescription, then went over to Target--strangely, the exact same routine as one of my mornings only a couple days before returning to school this summer. This was definitely unplanned and dawned on me when I walked into CVS and wondered why it looked so unfamiliar. I figured that before I had always gone through the drive-through, which reminded me that the last time I was there I visited a Big Red Twisty Slide and took pictures while waiting for my prescription to be filled. Anyway, this combined with various other sights and smells of home were like total deja vu and compelled me not only to remember, but to feel that inexplicable excitement and anticipation I had about coming back to school only two months ago. Where did that go? If the mid-August me could see me now, the former would be pretty angry at the latter for not making the most of this year so far. It really woke me up to how much I have to be thankful for. I know I love being at school, and now I can honestly once again say I'm really excited to go back.

Lessons

In the short time since I left school at 2:22 pm yesterday afternoon, I feel like I've learned a lot. Honestly, this semester has been rough. I wouldn't trade it for anything, but it has been difficult in terms of work, homework, Sherpa stuff, and relationships with both God and people. I think in the midst of trying to be perfect by overcoming my fears, tackling a busier schedule than ever before, strengthen friendships by working through conflicts, and focus on laying down my pride, ironically I've become all the more self-centered.

First of all, I need to be a better friend and roommate. I've been so wrapped up in my own workload and issues that my poor roommate is undeservingly the one on whom I often take out my frustrations. Of course, when that happens, conflicts arise. I shouldn't expect anything different. Then, on the rare occasion that I do see my other friends, they get to hear me vent about everything going on in my life. I feel like I have been a burden to those I love so dearly, and it kills me to think that the few people who mean the world to me have been brought down by me more than anything else lately. And seriously, for those of you at school who may read this, I really want to know how I can start being a better friend for you. Please just tell me, because it's so much easier when I don't have to guess.

Secondly, I want to enjoy life. That's not to say I haven't at all this semester--I've had my share of fun times going to the apple orchard, dancing to Asian rap, playing Scrabble, attending reunions, and hosting tea parties--but it's always been with a tinge of bitterness that is derived from the overwhelming state of being too internally focused and not loving like I should.

Third, if I hope to change these things, I can no longer view any of the numerous dimensions of my current life as burdens. I have spent the last few weeks with my thought processes going in circles. Finally, I'll arrive at a conclusion...only to realize the next day that I was so totally wrong. This isn't working. I understand now that I have no idea what I'm doing or what I should be doing, but I'm here, and this is the perfect place for me right now. I need to step back and surrender it all to God, because I'm getting nowhere by myself.

To those I've neglected, including my God whom I know I haven't been trusting, I'm sorry, I love you, and please just slap me if I ever do this again.