Lessons

In the short time since I left school at 2:22 pm yesterday afternoon, I feel like I've learned a lot. Honestly, this semester has been rough. I wouldn't trade it for anything, but it has been difficult in terms of work, homework, Sherpa stuff, and relationships with both God and people. I think in the midst of trying to be perfect by overcoming my fears, tackling a busier schedule than ever before, strengthen friendships by working through conflicts, and focus on laying down my pride, ironically I've become all the more self-centered.

First of all, I need to be a better friend and roommate. I've been so wrapped up in my own workload and issues that my poor roommate is undeservingly the one on whom I often take out my frustrations. Of course, when that happens, conflicts arise. I shouldn't expect anything different. Then, on the rare occasion that I do see my other friends, they get to hear me vent about everything going on in my life. I feel like I have been a burden to those I love so dearly, and it kills me to think that the few people who mean the world to me have been brought down by me more than anything else lately. And seriously, for those of you at school who may read this, I really want to know how I can start being a better friend for you. Please just tell me, because it's so much easier when I don't have to guess.

Secondly, I want to enjoy life. That's not to say I haven't at all this semester--I've had my share of fun times going to the apple orchard, dancing to Asian rap, playing Scrabble, attending reunions, and hosting tea parties--but it's always been with a tinge of bitterness that is derived from the overwhelming state of being too internally focused and not loving like I should.

Third, if I hope to change these things, I can no longer view any of the numerous dimensions of my current life as burdens. I have spent the last few weeks with my thought processes going in circles. Finally, I'll arrive at a conclusion...only to realize the next day that I was so totally wrong. This isn't working. I understand now that I have no idea what I'm doing or what I should be doing, but I'm here, and this is the perfect place for me right now. I need to step back and surrender it all to God, because I'm getting nowhere by myself.

To those I've neglected, including my God whom I know I haven't been trusting, I'm sorry, I love you, and please just slap me if I ever do this again.