Another bad conversation

I miss having really long conversations wtih people not because either of us feels obligated or either needs the other, but simply out of a mutual desire to learn more about the other person. In fact, my skills as a conversationalist have greatly deteriorated. I used to be able to have a good talk wtih just about anyone. Now, with acquaintances, I either can't think of a word to say or I ramble. Like tonight, for example. I was talking cordially to my aunt and uncle's neighbor, whom I'd previously met on several occasions. I swam in his pool when I was younger. He asked me how many students attended my school. It should've been easy, one word, five if I put it in a full sentence. "It has about eleven hundred." But no, I estimated, then tried to re-estimate in my head, then second guessed myself and gave another number, then said something about how I should know because I work in Admissions, and I'm not even sure where it went from there. And with people who really know me, one of four things happens. There's still the silence or the rambling, but there's also the default "What did you do today?" conversation, along with the occasional "I'm going to emotionally try to explain everything that's been going on in my life" discussion. Rarely do I end a talk with someone feeling refreshed, and I can guarantee it's not because of the other person--I have so many wonderful people in my life, there's no way it could be their fault.

Why have I been like this lately? I'm not sure, but I have a couple ideas. First, I've changed. My mind doesn't work in quite the same ways it used to. I don't get excited as easily. Sometimes I honestly have no idea what to say to someone. Other times when I'm quiet, I genuinely just want to listen. I want to be talked to, about almost anything, but I don't want to talk. I've always been like that to some extent--which is why I love listening to you talk for hours, Liz--but more so lately. In my frightfully annoying rambling times, I think, depending on the situation, I'm either trying to compensate for not knowing wht to say or trying to sort out what I think (like now).

Whatever it is, it needs to change. It's been hurting my relationships. I think I'm going to try to be more intentional about what I say. I'm going to work on saying what's on my mind more often, but refraining from something that is utterly unnecessary and unexciting to the listener. I'm not sure how, but I'll try.

I'm sorry to everyone this has affected--now that you know I'm trying to do better at this, could you please try to hold me accountable to it? I'd definitely appreciate it.