My semester...in a nutshell?

I don't feel like my semester can be put in a nutshell. I think it merits the delicacy of an eggshell, the explosiveness of a bombshell, and the enormity of an alligator snapping turtle shell...ahahaha you can tell I just got done with finals week.

Anyway, I don't normally go this in-depth in my blogs, but it's late, I'm tired, and I don't think many people read them anyway, at least not people who don't already know what's going on in my life.

You know how it is when you're mad at a friend so you completely ignore them, but then after a while you start to realize how much you miss them? That's how it's been with God lately. Since the beginning of the semester, I've been struggling with what it means to truly love God. I'm called to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind, adn strength...but I don't. this could easily be answered with, "Of course you don't--no one does, because no one is perfect." I guess I should clarify: I don't at all. Reading the Bible has always been such a chore for me, as is prayer. I grew up only attending church because my parents made me, and since coming to school only because I'd feel guilty if I didn't. There are people who are absolutely precious to me, and I can't even begin to describe how much I love them. I know, sadly, I do not feel the same about God. I desperately want to--He saved me, died for me, takes care of me, teaches me, provides for me, He's patient with me, and He loves me. In other words, I have no reason not to love Him. But I don't. I want to, but I don't.

It's been horrible this semester seeing my friends as they've spent their summers growing in their love and desire for God and continuing that into the year. I'm happy for them and thankful for that happening in their lives, but I've been constantly wrestling with God about why the same can't occur in my life. God, for years I've tried to follow you, tried to obey you, tried to trust you, tried to be everything you want from me...yet where has that gotten me? Nowhere. I've admitted I can't do this myself, that I need you, but have you helped? You've worked in the lives of my friends, now where are you in mine? What do you want from me?

On several occasions, I ended up really angry. The last of these times was about a week ago. I was so frustrated I decided I wasn't going to have anything to do with God--no church, no prayer, no Christian music, and I wasn't going to touch my Bible. If God ever decided He had anything to say to me, He'd have to find some other way to say it.

That was an interesting experience, considering how, for the past year, I've been pretty sure I'm supposed to spend my life doing missions, and that's the reason for my major and minor. It raised questions like, "What do I actually WANT to do with my life?" and "If I'm going to forget about God, should I even return to school next semester, or would that be a waste of my time and money?" It was a bit disconcerting, to say the least.

When I was consciously putting forth effort into ignoring God, I began to notice how often my thought patterns turned into telling Him or asking Him things. When I caught myself doing this, I'd sigh, clench my teeth, and try to stop. It was so incredibly lonely.

Maybe it can be attributed to the fact that I was trying to break patterns I'd been forming all my life, but I really missed God. Now if this was something that was happening with a friend,I wouldn't go running back unless I had some plan for how things could change...but with this, I'm still at a loss. I don't want everything to resume how it was before, but I'm not sure how to change it, either. I just know I'm ready to have God back.

(And here I'm going to copy Sharon's prayer list)

Praise God...

-for His presence
-for listening
-for loving
-for His patience
-for His omniscience
-for understanding
-for providing
-for three weeks of no homework
-for friends who are supportive
-for teaching

Pray...

-that God will lead me to someone who can help me answer my questions and sort through everything. I greatly miss the wisdom and influence of those who are quite a bit older than me and have learned far more.
-that I will learn what it means to love God
-that I won't let my pride and stubborness get in the way of searching for answers
-that I will learn to put God first and rely on Him fully