So this is the new year...

...and I have no resolutions.

Resolutions and I don't do well together. I hold such high expectations for myself that any resolutions I've ever made have always been entirely unattainable. Yet each time, I'm shocked and immensely disappointed with my failure. Thus, I refuse to make them anymore. My dad thinks this means I don't have plans or goals. I do. My entire life is one gigantic series of webs, ever-increasing, spanning the back of my mind. Some people think webs indicate lack of use, like cobwebs; on the contrary, for me they are evidence of use. I guess that makes me a spider?

One thing I've been learning since the beginning of break is trust. Trust is like math--each lesson builds on the previous ones, and you can learn it your entire life and still never know it completely. This has made itself apparent in several situations that have really grasped my attention.

First, there is the issue of this summer. Since coming back to school, I've been trying to figure out what to do, where to be, etc. I wanted to be anywhere but living at home, working for Kraft again. It's something I constantly was dwelling on and bringing up in conversations. Finally, after being totally exhausted by it, I gave it up for a few weeks--probably from about the beginning of Thanksgiving break until the end of the semester. On the first Friday of break, though, I mentioned it to a friend, though not nearly as frantically as I had in the past. I believe there was even a deep breath that accompanied it. By that point, though I wouldn't admit it, I was already figuring I just needed to trust God with it. Later that night, I got an email from a professor asking if I'd like to teach English to Japanese and Brazilian students at my school for a month, July 8-August 11. Now I'm probably still going to be at home working for Kraft for the beginning of the summer, but how awesome is that?! I'll probably only be working for about 7 1/2 weeks. That's not too bad. Plus, it'll provide me with the money that I desperately need....which brings me to Trust Issue #2.

One night while at my grandparents' house, I became really concerned with my lack of finances. What college student doesn't need more money? I do tend to over-exaggerate how little money I have, but I figure it's a win-win situation: in reality, I'm not quite as poor as I think, but it keeps me from ever spending unnecessarily. Still, I have a car payment and I'm rapidly accumulating student loans, and I don't work very much while in school. The next morning, I just laughed at myself and gained consolation from the fact that my God WILL supply all I need. I'll admit I'm still having a tough time with this one, though--just today I found out that my already-few hours are being reduced by two each week. According to my calculations, cutting the Counselor Assistants' hours this much will save the school approximately $1100 this semester. For a college, that isn't a huge deal. For students, the loss of $60/month is. I was a little overwhelmed by this, but I'm trying to trust God that he knows what he's doing. My only concern is how I'm supposed to respond--do I do nothing? Look for an additional job or a different one that can give me more hours? That would probably mean sacrificing my completely open, three-and-a-half-day weekends. I don't want to do that, but should I? After comparing this to past events, I've concluded that I will intentionally not do anything, but be on the lookout for opportunities that might conveniently present themselves.

Trust Issue #3: school. I'm really ready to leave home, but I'm not ready to go back to school...at least not all aspects of it. I'm excited to once again have a routine, do something productive, and be around all of the people. I'm not so ready for homework or to return to anything even slightly resembling last semester. I am quite literally afraid to enter my room. Over break, I've gained some perspective, a LOT of perspective actually, and figured out much of what was wrong about the way I was viewing things last semester. I truly believe next semester will be better, but I can't help but be apprehensive. What if, when I go back, everything resumes as it was before? What if I screw it up again? What if all these plans I'm making to spend much more time with a few specific friends more often all fall through? This is my biggest one right now. I guess...I'll just keep hoping and praying.

I think that the opportunity to teach over the summer was God's way of saying, "Hey, watch, I'll take care of you," right before presenting me with other situations where I need to trust him. Just a thought.

Happy new year.