Another bad conversation

I miss having really long conversations wtih people not because either of us feels obligated or either needs the other, but simply out of a mutual desire to learn more about the other person. In fact, my skills as a conversationalist have greatly deteriorated. I used to be able to have a good talk wtih just about anyone. Now, with acquaintances, I either can't think of a word to say or I ramble. Like tonight, for example. I was talking cordially to my aunt and uncle's neighbor, whom I'd previously met on several occasions. I swam in his pool when I was younger. He asked me how many students attended my school. It should've been easy, one word, five if I put it in a full sentence. "It has about eleven hundred." But no, I estimated, then tried to re-estimate in my head, then second guessed myself and gave another number, then said something about how I should know because I work in Admissions, and I'm not even sure where it went from there. And with people who really know me, one of four things happens. There's still the silence or the rambling, but there's also the default "What did you do today?" conversation, along with the occasional "I'm going to emotionally try to explain everything that's been going on in my life" discussion. Rarely do I end a talk with someone feeling refreshed, and I can guarantee it's not because of the other person--I have so many wonderful people in my life, there's no way it could be their fault.

Why have I been like this lately? I'm not sure, but I have a couple ideas. First, I've changed. My mind doesn't work in quite the same ways it used to. I don't get excited as easily. Sometimes I honestly have no idea what to say to someone. Other times when I'm quiet, I genuinely just want to listen. I want to be talked to, about almost anything, but I don't want to talk. I've always been like that to some extent--which is why I love listening to you talk for hours, Liz--but more so lately. In my frightfully annoying rambling times, I think, depending on the situation, I'm either trying to compensate for not knowing wht to say or trying to sort out what I think (like now).

Whatever it is, it needs to change. It's been hurting my relationships. I think I'm going to try to be more intentional about what I say. I'm going to work on saying what's on my mind more often, but refraining from something that is utterly unnecessary and unexciting to the listener. I'm not sure how, but I'll try.

I'm sorry to everyone this has affected--now that you know I'm trying to do better at this, could you please try to hold me accountable to it? I'd definitely appreciate it.

My semester...in a nutshell?

I don't feel like my semester can be put in a nutshell. I think it merits the delicacy of an eggshell, the explosiveness of a bombshell, and the enormity of an alligator snapping turtle shell...ahahaha you can tell I just got done with finals week.

Anyway, I don't normally go this in-depth in my blogs, but it's late, I'm tired, and I don't think many people read them anyway, at least not people who don't already know what's going on in my life.

You know how it is when you're mad at a friend so you completely ignore them, but then after a while you start to realize how much you miss them? That's how it's been with God lately. Since the beginning of the semester, I've been struggling with what it means to truly love God. I'm called to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind, adn strength...but I don't. this could easily be answered with, "Of course you don't--no one does, because no one is perfect." I guess I should clarify: I don't at all. Reading the Bible has always been such a chore for me, as is prayer. I grew up only attending church because my parents made me, and since coming to school only because I'd feel guilty if I didn't. There are people who are absolutely precious to me, and I can't even begin to describe how much I love them. I know, sadly, I do not feel the same about God. I desperately want to--He saved me, died for me, takes care of me, teaches me, provides for me, He's patient with me, and He loves me. In other words, I have no reason not to love Him. But I don't. I want to, but I don't.

It's been horrible this semester seeing my friends as they've spent their summers growing in their love and desire for God and continuing that into the year. I'm happy for them and thankful for that happening in their lives, but I've been constantly wrestling with God about why the same can't occur in my life. God, for years I've tried to follow you, tried to obey you, tried to trust you, tried to be everything you want from me...yet where has that gotten me? Nowhere. I've admitted I can't do this myself, that I need you, but have you helped? You've worked in the lives of my friends, now where are you in mine? What do you want from me?

On several occasions, I ended up really angry. The last of these times was about a week ago. I was so frustrated I decided I wasn't going to have anything to do with God--no church, no prayer, no Christian music, and I wasn't going to touch my Bible. If God ever decided He had anything to say to me, He'd have to find some other way to say it.

That was an interesting experience, considering how, for the past year, I've been pretty sure I'm supposed to spend my life doing missions, and that's the reason for my major and minor. It raised questions like, "What do I actually WANT to do with my life?" and "If I'm going to forget about God, should I even return to school next semester, or would that be a waste of my time and money?" It was a bit disconcerting, to say the least.

When I was consciously putting forth effort into ignoring God, I began to notice how often my thought patterns turned into telling Him or asking Him things. When I caught myself doing this, I'd sigh, clench my teeth, and try to stop. It was so incredibly lonely.

Maybe it can be attributed to the fact that I was trying to break patterns I'd been forming all my life, but I really missed God. Now if this was something that was happening with a friend,I wouldn't go running back unless I had some plan for how things could change...but with this, I'm still at a loss. I don't want everything to resume how it was before, but I'm not sure how to change it, either. I just know I'm ready to have God back.

(And here I'm going to copy Sharon's prayer list)

Praise God...

-for His presence
-for listening
-for loving
-for His patience
-for His omniscience
-for understanding
-for providing
-for three weeks of no homework
-for friends who are supportive
-for teaching

Pray...

-that God will lead me to someone who can help me answer my questions and sort through everything. I greatly miss the wisdom and influence of those who are quite a bit older than me and have learned far more.
-that I will learn what it means to love God
-that I won't let my pride and stubborness get in the way of searching for answers
-that I will learn to put God first and rely on Him fully

ACT:S Week

My friend Sharon posted this onto her blog about what is going on around Cornerstone's campus this week (well, today and tomorrow now...). I figured I'd post the same letting everyone know the awesome things happening here and asking for prayer!

This coming week has been dubbed ACT:s week. ACT:s is "a network of students committed to exploring what our faith says about poverty and injustice, using creative activism to bring issues to life and change hearts, and using our voices to advocate with our government leaders."

This week, CU's branch is promoting ACT:s through several events, including Orange T-shirt campaign, Lives on the Line, and One Life presentation in chapel on Friday. All of these events pertain to orphans.

For the Orange T-shirt campaign, we are selling t-shirts that say "Orphan" to spread awareness about the number of orphans around the world. We are selling them over the next week and a half and are asking students to wear them on December 1st, World AIDS day.

Lives on the Line includes stringing clothesline around campus and hanging different stories of orphans from around the world. During chapel on Friday, students will be invited to take a name card and pray for the child whose story is represented. Story cards featuring country profiles and stories of 10 different people affected by HIV and AIDS are hung from clothesline in a highly trafficked area of your campus. Students are invited to read the story cards, pick up one to keep throughout the day and respond through giving and advocacy.

In chapel on Friday, we will show a clip that will make students aware of the need in our world as well what they can do about it. The chapel will focus on how, while the overall problem may seem overwhelming, we have the power to change just one life.

We'll also be informing students of Advent Conspiracy. Advent Conspiracy is an international movement restoring the scandal of Christmas by substituting compassion for consumption. Essentially, it takes away the gift/money/stuff focus on Christmas in exchange for the community/love/worship focus. We're encouraging our classmates to give up the material demands of the holiday season for something deeper. For more information, go to this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVqqj1v-ZBU .

Pray that students will be open to our message and that hearts will be changed. Pray the eyes are opened to the needs of our world and a burning passion to do something is created. Pray that God breaks our hearts for what breaks His and gives us the wisdom to do something about our hurting world. Mostly, pray that hearts will be changed, both on campus and throughout the world because of the events of this week.

May God bless you throughout this week!

Lesson 2

Last night, the thought of returning to school in less than 48 hours horrified me. I was dreading it. I needed more time. This morning, I woke up early, got my hair cut, stopped at CVS to refill a prescription, then went over to Target--strangely, the exact same routine as one of my mornings only a couple days before returning to school this summer. This was definitely unplanned and dawned on me when I walked into CVS and wondered why it looked so unfamiliar. I figured that before I had always gone through the drive-through, which reminded me that the last time I was there I visited a Big Red Twisty Slide and took pictures while waiting for my prescription to be filled. Anyway, this combined with various other sights and smells of home were like total deja vu and compelled me not only to remember, but to feel that inexplicable excitement and anticipation I had about coming back to school only two months ago. Where did that go? If the mid-August me could see me now, the former would be pretty angry at the latter for not making the most of this year so far. It really woke me up to how much I have to be thankful for. I know I love being at school, and now I can honestly once again say I'm really excited to go back.

Lessons

In the short time since I left school at 2:22 pm yesterday afternoon, I feel like I've learned a lot. Honestly, this semester has been rough. I wouldn't trade it for anything, but it has been difficult in terms of work, homework, Sherpa stuff, and relationships with both God and people. I think in the midst of trying to be perfect by overcoming my fears, tackling a busier schedule than ever before, strengthen friendships by working through conflicts, and focus on laying down my pride, ironically I've become all the more self-centered.

First of all, I need to be a better friend and roommate. I've been so wrapped up in my own workload and issues that my poor roommate is undeservingly the one on whom I often take out my frustrations. Of course, when that happens, conflicts arise. I shouldn't expect anything different. Then, on the rare occasion that I do see my other friends, they get to hear me vent about everything going on in my life. I feel like I have been a burden to those I love so dearly, and it kills me to think that the few people who mean the world to me have been brought down by me more than anything else lately. And seriously, for those of you at school who may read this, I really want to know how I can start being a better friend for you. Please just tell me, because it's so much easier when I don't have to guess.

Secondly, I want to enjoy life. That's not to say I haven't at all this semester--I've had my share of fun times going to the apple orchard, dancing to Asian rap, playing Scrabble, attending reunions, and hosting tea parties--but it's always been with a tinge of bitterness that is derived from the overwhelming state of being too internally focused and not loving like I should.

Third, if I hope to change these things, I can no longer view any of the numerous dimensions of my current life as burdens. I have spent the last few weeks with my thought processes going in circles. Finally, I'll arrive at a conclusion...only to realize the next day that I was so totally wrong. This isn't working. I understand now that I have no idea what I'm doing or what I should be doing, but I'm here, and this is the perfect place for me right now. I need to step back and surrender it all to God, because I'm getting nowhere by myself.

To those I've neglected, including my God whom I know I haven't been trusting, I'm sorry, I love you, and please just slap me if I ever do this again.

Moving on up

I only have about ten minutes to write, and I didn't even plan on writing at all but figured I should, so here I go, having no idea what I'm going to say...

This year has been interesting. I came back expecting things to be similar to how they were before--not quite the same as people's roles have changed and all my friends aren't living in the same place as me anymore, but still similar. I was pretty taken aback by the drastic differences. I've finally realized now the difference a summer can make. On Sunday, it suddenly struck me that I cannot approach my relationships as just being resumed from last year--I've changed, and so has everyone else. I almost need to step back, reevaluate, and start from nearly the beginning in re-getting to know everyone, even the people closest to me. It's an odd feeling; it was quite disconcerting at first, but now that I think I've got a better idea of what I'm doing, it's not a bad thing.

I've also been hit lately with how young I am. I'm 18. I live on a college campus which, by definition, holds some of American's youngest adults, and I'm still younger than most of them. At the same time, I feel really old. Last year I only worried about classes and focused on building relationships with those whom I lived with. This year, I've abruptly had three part-time jobs thrust upon me, and I'm leading a group of freshmen. What happened? I can't do this! Yet I am. I'm not sure I like growing up. Growing, sure, is a good thing; growing up, not so much.

If this sounds like a complaint, it's not meant as such. It's more observation than anything else. Well, with that, I'm not sure what else to say.

Tis so sweet

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus

Just to take him at his word

Just to rest upon his promise

Just to know, Thus saith the Lord

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust him

How I've proved him o'er and o'er

Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus

Oh for grace to trust him more

Normally I like to post my own thoughts and ideas in my blogs, but in the case of these past two weeks, Louisa Stead, who wrote this song, says it fare more concisely than I ever could. There's so much I could say about camp, about Terra Firma in general, about this first week of classes, about what I've been learning--but it would take significantly more time than I currently have. I'll cover a couple highlights.

At camp, I found it interesting that God was trying to teach me some of the exact same things that he was trying to teach me at camp last year. Part of me found this frustrating--I STILL haven't learned. Simultaneously, it was comforting; though I'm stubborn and slow, he hasn't given up on me.

Camp was fantastic. I kept having one revelation about God after another, getting to know him more each day. Thus it wasn't surprising that coming back to school combined with getting sick left me feeling somewhat estranged from God and the closeness I had only a couple days before. On Saturday night, sick as I was, I went for a walk to get out and talk to God for a while. I told him of my disappointment and asked him to teach me something new about himself every day, then pondered the fact that God is so unfathomably awesome that I could discover something new about him every day of my life and there would still be more left unknown. Sitting in church Sunday morning, God told me, to both my chagrin and delight, that he's ALWAYS teaching me something new--I just have to open my eyes and look for it. Since then, he keeps proving that even in the little situations, he knows what's best for me.