Trust

On the way to church tonight I was feeling rather contemplative and I was thinking, what does it really mean to trust someone? When you tell someone something personal and trust them with it, it's more than expecting them not to tell another person or not to think less of you because of it--so what is it exactly? It's just interesting to think about.

Results of spilled soup and disorganization

I'm kind of tired of this winter break thing. Being home isn't bad or depressing like I had anticipated at one point, but everything is just so...blah. I can't properly settle in because I'm not actually here that long. That's fine when I'm on vacation staying somewhere else, but I'm supposed to be home, somewhere I typically don't live out of a suitcase. Actually I take that back--in the past, when I'd come home from a trip, I put off unpacking until about a week later because I just didn't like doing it. But that's beside the point. I've tried to unpack, but things just don't have a place anymore. At school, I know where each and every thing goes--which drawer, what spot on the bookshelf, which cubby in my closet organizer, or just thrown under the beds or up in Purgatory--but it all has a place. Here there are no places for some things. There are no specific drawers for certain articles of clothing. My drawers and closet have been overtaken by things I don't know what to do with when I go to school, so I've just thrown them somewhere they won't get in the way or make the room look messy. I don't even have a place I can keep my fish semi-permanently. He's in my room but I have to move him to the bathroom at night because my room gets too cold, and he needs to be relocated every time I leave the house because I have to turn off the space heater which is what keeps the room warm in the first place. And wherever he is, the door needs to stay closed so the cat doesn't get him. I don't like it. It shouldn't bother me so much, and didn't until about two hours ago, but it does. Have you ever wanted to just not be anywhere? I cannot think of a single place I would like to be right now. I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be back at my grandparents' house where I just came from two days ago, nor do I want to be back at school--just the thought of that is somewhat sickening at the moment. I guess this is just me being cranky. Whatever.

Observations

Today, my dad took my car to get the oil changed for me. I'll admit I waited so long to do it partially for that reason--I knew he would. Not only that, but I didn't have much time with the end of the semester craziness, and I knew that if he did it, he'd know what else to get checked out. Like today, for instance. Not only did he get the oil changed, but he had the air filter checked, too. Apparently it was really dirty, preventing me from getting good gas milage, so he had it replaced. As if that wasn't enough, he filled up my gas tank. I really appreciate that. Naturally, I'd feel bad, but I think he likes doing it. I thanked him already, but tomorrow I think I'll give him a hug and tell him thank you again.

On a completely different note, I hate how physical appearances hinder people from getting to know each other, how they always alter a person's real demeanor and personality. I used to know a woman who wasn't very attractive. If you took everything she did and said at face value, though, it appeared as though she thought she was really pretty, and it almost made her seem conceited. To this day, I'm still not sure if that was true, or if she was just insecure in that area to where she overcompensated by acting a bit too confident. I knew her pretty well, and I still have no idea. It just bothers me. What would we be like if none of us could see each other? I think relationships would be far better, with friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, significant others...everyone. At the same time, I know we'd find other ways to judge and other facets of ourselves to worry about. What would we be like if we were stripped of all self-consciousness and could really act naturally? How would we see others? It's just interesting to ponder.

Another bad conversation

I miss having really long conversations wtih people not because either of us feels obligated or either needs the other, but simply out of a mutual desire to learn more about the other person. In fact, my skills as a conversationalist have greatly deteriorated. I used to be able to have a good talk wtih just about anyone. Now, with acquaintances, I either can't think of a word to say or I ramble. Like tonight, for example. I was talking cordially to my aunt and uncle's neighbor, whom I'd previously met on several occasions. I swam in his pool when I was younger. He asked me how many students attended my school. It should've been easy, one word, five if I put it in a full sentence. "It has about eleven hundred." But no, I estimated, then tried to re-estimate in my head, then second guessed myself and gave another number, then said something about how I should know because I work in Admissions, and I'm not even sure where it went from there. And with people who really know me, one of four things happens. There's still the silence or the rambling, but there's also the default "What did you do today?" conversation, along with the occasional "I'm going to emotionally try to explain everything that's been going on in my life" discussion. Rarely do I end a talk with someone feeling refreshed, and I can guarantee it's not because of the other person--I have so many wonderful people in my life, there's no way it could be their fault.

Why have I been like this lately? I'm not sure, but I have a couple ideas. First, I've changed. My mind doesn't work in quite the same ways it used to. I don't get excited as easily. Sometimes I honestly have no idea what to say to someone. Other times when I'm quiet, I genuinely just want to listen. I want to be talked to, about almost anything, but I don't want to talk. I've always been like that to some extent--which is why I love listening to you talk for hours, Liz--but more so lately. In my frightfully annoying rambling times, I think, depending on the situation, I'm either trying to compensate for not knowing wht to say or trying to sort out what I think (like now).

Whatever it is, it needs to change. It's been hurting my relationships. I think I'm going to try to be more intentional about what I say. I'm going to work on saying what's on my mind more often, but refraining from something that is utterly unnecessary and unexciting to the listener. I'm not sure how, but I'll try.

I'm sorry to everyone this has affected--now that you know I'm trying to do better at this, could you please try to hold me accountable to it? I'd definitely appreciate it.

My semester...in a nutshell?

I don't feel like my semester can be put in a nutshell. I think it merits the delicacy of an eggshell, the explosiveness of a bombshell, and the enormity of an alligator snapping turtle shell...ahahaha you can tell I just got done with finals week.

Anyway, I don't normally go this in-depth in my blogs, but it's late, I'm tired, and I don't think many people read them anyway, at least not people who don't already know what's going on in my life.

You know how it is when you're mad at a friend so you completely ignore them, but then after a while you start to realize how much you miss them? That's how it's been with God lately. Since the beginning of the semester, I've been struggling with what it means to truly love God. I'm called to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind, adn strength...but I don't. this could easily be answered with, "Of course you don't--no one does, because no one is perfect." I guess I should clarify: I don't at all. Reading the Bible has always been such a chore for me, as is prayer. I grew up only attending church because my parents made me, and since coming to school only because I'd feel guilty if I didn't. There are people who are absolutely precious to me, and I can't even begin to describe how much I love them. I know, sadly, I do not feel the same about God. I desperately want to--He saved me, died for me, takes care of me, teaches me, provides for me, He's patient with me, and He loves me. In other words, I have no reason not to love Him. But I don't. I want to, but I don't.

It's been horrible this semester seeing my friends as they've spent their summers growing in their love and desire for God and continuing that into the year. I'm happy for them and thankful for that happening in their lives, but I've been constantly wrestling with God about why the same can't occur in my life. God, for years I've tried to follow you, tried to obey you, tried to trust you, tried to be everything you want from me...yet where has that gotten me? Nowhere. I've admitted I can't do this myself, that I need you, but have you helped? You've worked in the lives of my friends, now where are you in mine? What do you want from me?

On several occasions, I ended up really angry. The last of these times was about a week ago. I was so frustrated I decided I wasn't going to have anything to do with God--no church, no prayer, no Christian music, and I wasn't going to touch my Bible. If God ever decided He had anything to say to me, He'd have to find some other way to say it.

That was an interesting experience, considering how, for the past year, I've been pretty sure I'm supposed to spend my life doing missions, and that's the reason for my major and minor. It raised questions like, "What do I actually WANT to do with my life?" and "If I'm going to forget about God, should I even return to school next semester, or would that be a waste of my time and money?" It was a bit disconcerting, to say the least.

When I was consciously putting forth effort into ignoring God, I began to notice how often my thought patterns turned into telling Him or asking Him things. When I caught myself doing this, I'd sigh, clench my teeth, and try to stop. It was so incredibly lonely.

Maybe it can be attributed to the fact that I was trying to break patterns I'd been forming all my life, but I really missed God. Now if this was something that was happening with a friend,I wouldn't go running back unless I had some plan for how things could change...but with this, I'm still at a loss. I don't want everything to resume how it was before, but I'm not sure how to change it, either. I just know I'm ready to have God back.

(And here I'm going to copy Sharon's prayer list)

Praise God...

-for His presence
-for listening
-for loving
-for His patience
-for His omniscience
-for understanding
-for providing
-for three weeks of no homework
-for friends who are supportive
-for teaching

Pray...

-that God will lead me to someone who can help me answer my questions and sort through everything. I greatly miss the wisdom and influence of those who are quite a bit older than me and have learned far more.
-that I will learn what it means to love God
-that I won't let my pride and stubborness get in the way of searching for answers
-that I will learn to put God first and rely on Him fully

ACT:S Week

My friend Sharon posted this onto her blog about what is going on around Cornerstone's campus this week (well, today and tomorrow now...). I figured I'd post the same letting everyone know the awesome things happening here and asking for prayer!

This coming week has been dubbed ACT:s week. ACT:s is "a network of students committed to exploring what our faith says about poverty and injustice, using creative activism to bring issues to life and change hearts, and using our voices to advocate with our government leaders."

This week, CU's branch is promoting ACT:s through several events, including Orange T-shirt campaign, Lives on the Line, and One Life presentation in chapel on Friday. All of these events pertain to orphans.

For the Orange T-shirt campaign, we are selling t-shirts that say "Orphan" to spread awareness about the number of orphans around the world. We are selling them over the next week and a half and are asking students to wear them on December 1st, World AIDS day.

Lives on the Line includes stringing clothesline around campus and hanging different stories of orphans from around the world. During chapel on Friday, students will be invited to take a name card and pray for the child whose story is represented. Story cards featuring country profiles and stories of 10 different people affected by HIV and AIDS are hung from clothesline in a highly trafficked area of your campus. Students are invited to read the story cards, pick up one to keep throughout the day and respond through giving and advocacy.

In chapel on Friday, we will show a clip that will make students aware of the need in our world as well what they can do about it. The chapel will focus on how, while the overall problem may seem overwhelming, we have the power to change just one life.

We'll also be informing students of Advent Conspiracy. Advent Conspiracy is an international movement restoring the scandal of Christmas by substituting compassion for consumption. Essentially, it takes away the gift/money/stuff focus on Christmas in exchange for the community/love/worship focus. We're encouraging our classmates to give up the material demands of the holiday season for something deeper. For more information, go to this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVqqj1v-ZBU .

Pray that students will be open to our message and that hearts will be changed. Pray the eyes are opened to the needs of our world and a burning passion to do something is created. Pray that God breaks our hearts for what breaks His and gives us the wisdom to do something about our hurting world. Mostly, pray that hearts will be changed, both on campus and throughout the world because of the events of this week.

May God bless you throughout this week!

Lesson 2

Last night, the thought of returning to school in less than 48 hours horrified me. I was dreading it. I needed more time. This morning, I woke up early, got my hair cut, stopped at CVS to refill a prescription, then went over to Target--strangely, the exact same routine as one of my mornings only a couple days before returning to school this summer. This was definitely unplanned and dawned on me when I walked into CVS and wondered why it looked so unfamiliar. I figured that before I had always gone through the drive-through, which reminded me that the last time I was there I visited a Big Red Twisty Slide and took pictures while waiting for my prescription to be filled. Anyway, this combined with various other sights and smells of home were like total deja vu and compelled me not only to remember, but to feel that inexplicable excitement and anticipation I had about coming back to school only two months ago. Where did that go? If the mid-August me could see me now, the former would be pretty angry at the latter for not making the most of this year so far. It really woke me up to how much I have to be thankful for. I know I love being at school, and now I can honestly once again say I'm really excited to go back.

Lessons

In the short time since I left school at 2:22 pm yesterday afternoon, I feel like I've learned a lot. Honestly, this semester has been rough. I wouldn't trade it for anything, but it has been difficult in terms of work, homework, Sherpa stuff, and relationships with both God and people. I think in the midst of trying to be perfect by overcoming my fears, tackling a busier schedule than ever before, strengthen friendships by working through conflicts, and focus on laying down my pride, ironically I've become all the more self-centered.

First of all, I need to be a better friend and roommate. I've been so wrapped up in my own workload and issues that my poor roommate is undeservingly the one on whom I often take out my frustrations. Of course, when that happens, conflicts arise. I shouldn't expect anything different. Then, on the rare occasion that I do see my other friends, they get to hear me vent about everything going on in my life. I feel like I have been a burden to those I love so dearly, and it kills me to think that the few people who mean the world to me have been brought down by me more than anything else lately. And seriously, for those of you at school who may read this, I really want to know how I can start being a better friend for you. Please just tell me, because it's so much easier when I don't have to guess.

Secondly, I want to enjoy life. That's not to say I haven't at all this semester--I've had my share of fun times going to the apple orchard, dancing to Asian rap, playing Scrabble, attending reunions, and hosting tea parties--but it's always been with a tinge of bitterness that is derived from the overwhelming state of being too internally focused and not loving like I should.

Third, if I hope to change these things, I can no longer view any of the numerous dimensions of my current life as burdens. I have spent the last few weeks with my thought processes going in circles. Finally, I'll arrive at a conclusion...only to realize the next day that I was so totally wrong. This isn't working. I understand now that I have no idea what I'm doing or what I should be doing, but I'm here, and this is the perfect place for me right now. I need to step back and surrender it all to God, because I'm getting nowhere by myself.

To those I've neglected, including my God whom I know I haven't been trusting, I'm sorry, I love you, and please just slap me if I ever do this again.

Moving on up

I only have about ten minutes to write, and I didn't even plan on writing at all but figured I should, so here I go, having no idea what I'm going to say...

This year has been interesting. I came back expecting things to be similar to how they were before--not quite the same as people's roles have changed and all my friends aren't living in the same place as me anymore, but still similar. I was pretty taken aback by the drastic differences. I've finally realized now the difference a summer can make. On Sunday, it suddenly struck me that I cannot approach my relationships as just being resumed from last year--I've changed, and so has everyone else. I almost need to step back, reevaluate, and start from nearly the beginning in re-getting to know everyone, even the people closest to me. It's an odd feeling; it was quite disconcerting at first, but now that I think I've got a better idea of what I'm doing, it's not a bad thing.

I've also been hit lately with how young I am. I'm 18. I live on a college campus which, by definition, holds some of American's youngest adults, and I'm still younger than most of them. At the same time, I feel really old. Last year I only worried about classes and focused on building relationships with those whom I lived with. This year, I've abruptly had three part-time jobs thrust upon me, and I'm leading a group of freshmen. What happened? I can't do this! Yet I am. I'm not sure I like growing up. Growing, sure, is a good thing; growing up, not so much.

If this sounds like a complaint, it's not meant as such. It's more observation than anything else. Well, with that, I'm not sure what else to say.

Tis so sweet

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus

Just to take him at his word

Just to rest upon his promise

Just to know, Thus saith the Lord

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust him

How I've proved him o'er and o'er

Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus

Oh for grace to trust him more

Normally I like to post my own thoughts and ideas in my blogs, but in the case of these past two weeks, Louisa Stead, who wrote this song, says it fare more concisely than I ever could. There's so much I could say about camp, about Terra Firma in general, about this first week of classes, about what I've been learning--but it would take significantly more time than I currently have. I'll cover a couple highlights.

At camp, I found it interesting that God was trying to teach me some of the exact same things that he was trying to teach me at camp last year. Part of me found this frustrating--I STILL haven't learned. Simultaneously, it was comforting; though I'm stubborn and slow, he hasn't given up on me.

Camp was fantastic. I kept having one revelation about God after another, getting to know him more each day. Thus it wasn't surprising that coming back to school combined with getting sick left me feeling somewhat estranged from God and the closeness I had only a couple days before. On Saturday night, sick as I was, I went for a walk to get out and talk to God for a while. I told him of my disappointment and asked him to teach me something new about himself every day, then pondered the fact that God is so unfathomably awesome that I could discover something new about him every day of my life and there would still be more left unknown. Sitting in church Sunday morning, God told me, to both my chagrin and delight, that he's ALWAYS teaching me something new--I just have to open my eyes and look for it. Since then, he keeps proving that even in the little situations, he knows what's best for me.

Caley in Real Life

I've seen the movie Dan in Real Life about five times, plus or minus one. There's one part in the first half of the movie where one of the characters asks Marie to describe how her perfect day would be. Each time, it causes me to contemplate what would comprise my perfect day, but I never fail to remain clueless. What makes a day perfect? New experiences or old ones? Friends or family? Relaxing or going on an adventure? Europe, Asia, Africa...or home? Ideally, it'd contain all these; but alas, no 24-hour period, even a perfect one, can.

Last night, as I lie in bed, I decided, as paradoxical as it sounds, that the perfect day is actually not perfect at all. It can be one of an infinite number of combinations of normal situations rather than extraordinary experiences. With that said, I think the past two days have been perfect.

Yesterday did not begin well. In a rush to get ready for breakfast and Sherpa training, I spilled wet coffee grounds all over my newly made quilt, lost my keys and ID card, forgot to bring my books and paper to training, and spilled coffee all over the table at breakfast--including my pants and poor Megan's binder and folder. Not too great of a morning, right? Yet, miraculously, everything turned out okay. My good friend (and now hero) Mandie found my Tide stick so the coffee stain could be removed successfully from my quilt, everyone at breakfast helped me clean my spilled coffee, and at lunch I found my keys and ID. And if the simple rectification of my unfortunate situations wasn't enough to brighten my mood, I had the delightful opportunity of spending time praying with Mandie before training for the day started. To top it off, I got to spend the entirety of my afternoon painting signs for my Terra Firma group (yay Pacific!) and for the camp buses. I never knew painting could be so rejuvenating. Following the evening's activities, I returned to my room where I got to laugh and discuss important issues with Liz, my roommate. Afterward, we went on a very distracted expedition to Meijer, at Frosted Mini Wheats, and watched Asian shows till three in the morning. It was after all that that I went to bed and thought to myself, "Today was perfect." Why was it perfect? I got to spend it with three of my favorite people. I learned a lot. I laughed a lot. I painted. I accomplished a lot, but relaxed a lot. I loved a lot. 

Today was perfect again. Today almost seemed like an extension of yesterday. After getting up at ten, I started reading the first chapter of my Spanish book, got ready for the day, did devotions with Liz, watched more Asian TV all afternoon, visited and had coffee with Mandie, and spend the night with fellow Sherpas. We talked, read from Mark 8-11, sang, and prayed. I love that there are so many wonderful, encouraging people in my life. I couldn't have asked for a better, or more perfect, beginning to my year.

One thing's for sure: Sherpa training does NOT leave me with the ability to write decently. I just wanted to post something anyway saying how wonderful it is being back in Michigan. The rest of this summer did not allow me to relax nearly as much as I've done this past week. I slept in, ate ice cream, went to the beach, got sunburn, visited friends and family, played Scrabble, watched movies, celebrated birthdays, explored playgrounds, decorated a mailbox, and even read a book. Contrasting the rest of the week, today was crazy. Sherpa training began with 12 hours of information overload. Although I agree with the many comments I overheard about how long the day was, I'd say overall I enjoyed it. It's awesome to see the faculty's enthusiasm for the Terra Firma program, to interact with the other Sherpas, and simply to be back on campus. Beside all that, we got to end the day by painting pictures--how fun is that?! It just suddenly hit me how exhausted I am, so I will write more some time in the next couple weeks after new student move-in, camp, and everything else that's occurring in the process.

In the words of Jack's Mannequin...

I'm ready. I leave in just over a week and a half. It's such a short time, it's really not that bad, and I've gotten through the rest of the summer just fine. Now, though, more than ever, I'm filled with such an intense sense of anticipation that it seems like I should be moving out momentarily. A week ago, I was so worried about getting everything done on time. I had to pack, read a book, write a paper, finish one of my projects, and make a big back-to-school Target trip...all while getting my wisdom teeth out, recovering, and working. I still have quite a bit to accomplish, but I did virtually all my packing on Saturday (minus clothing of course), went to Target today, and have been working on everything else so that my list has greatly decreased in length. To top it off, everyone I know is finishing their summer jobs, internships, vacations, etc., and I'm here. I'm ready for Michigan, for the familiar faces of those I lived with for nine months, for hugs, for community, for walking around campus, for being on my own, for carrying around a backpack, for dodging goose droppings wherever I go, for new opportunities, and for memories that will be revived the second that I return. This year will be different. Many adjustments will need to be made. This year is going to be challenging, and I'm a little nervous, but I'm ready.

A day in my life

The past 24 hours have held numerous surprises, mostly relating to my lovely job.

7:00 pm Thursday--As it goes every night, I checked my work voicemail to see if I was scheduled to work today. I was, but only for four hours. Four hours? No problem! Fridays usually aren't very busy. All I had to do was wait for the sales rep to call me with the stores and times, and I would be all set. I'd get an early start so that I'd have the whole day to enjoy myself before my parents came home Saturday.

9:30 pm--After spending a great deal of time contemplating why in the world Beth, the sales rep, hadn't yet called me, I listened to my original message again and realized my manager's assistant who left the message hadn't given Beth my Kraft voicemail number. I looked up Beth's voicemail and left her a message with mine.

12:00 am Friday--I had wanted to be in bed for the past two hours. Unfortunately, still no call from Beth. I checked my voicemail obsessively. Finally, giving up, I went to sleep only to wake up at 1:30 and check voicemail again.

5:01 am--My phone vibrated on my bed next to me. Why is my alarm on vibrate? Oh well, at least it's far less annoying than the little song it normally plays. I typically don't get up at 5 for work, though on occasion I have. Today, though, since I didn't know exactly what was going on, I wanted to be prepared for whenever I had to leave the house--I had never worked with Beth before, but I heard from other merchandisers that she likes to start really early. Voicemail again--nothing.

6:00 am--I got ready for work slowly, checking my voicemail at least three times within the hours. My lack of knowledge as to what was happening plus Winston's incessant whining that spurred my constant response of "It's NOT time to eat yet!" plus the effects of my caffeine detox left me nearly wanting to scream.

6:12 am--while sitting at the kitchen table wrapped in a fleece blanket and eating my nutritious, high-fiber cereal, I breathed an enormous sigh of relief when I heard, "You have one new message." Two stores, no specific times. Sounds great.

6:35 am--I left my house, equipped with Aveda tea, and ready to enjoy my drive to the first store.

7:00 am--I arrived at store #1.

8:35 am--Work went smoothly, but then I sat in traffic, taking 17 minutes to go less than two miles. I love Illinois.

9:10 am--After a long and frustrating drive, I pulled up to store #2: Walmart. The delivery wasn't schedule till 9:45, though. There was some backstock that needed to be put on the shelves, but I still had extra time, so I took a detour to Starbucks that resulted in a free green tea frappuccino. Yes, it kind of broke my "no caffeine" rule for the week, but by that point I really needed something more than ibuprofen to deal with my headache. Since I didn't have time to finish it I wanted to put it in my travel mug, but I had a little bit of tea left in it. I poured the rest of the tea out onto the parking lot, then giggled when it really looked like someone had peed next to my car.

9:30 am--I entered Walmart and just as I started backstock, Dan, another merchandiser, appeared to help me.

10:20 am--With backstock finished, I embarked on a hunt for our shipment, which, as I discovered, hadn't arrived.

10:25 am--Both Dan and I checked our voicemail to see if Beth had left either of us a message about the shipment's late arrival. Nothing.

10:30 am--We wander into the back room to double check and see if anything new had come in the past ten minutes.

10:35 am--Finally! It's here! Oh, oh no....the receiver went to lunch, now there's no one to check in the product. We wait.

10:55 am--All right, the receiver has returned! And...holy crap, that's a lot of shipment.

11:10 am--Right off the bat, we began to discover that whoever did our aisle's reset yesterday is an idiot. Several of our products' facings have been completely removed from the shelves, and others were grouped disastrously. Seriously, why not keep all the Chips Ahoy varieties on the same shelf, rather than scattered in different places on five shelves?! And what is it with Cheese-its taking our spot?! AHHHHH

12:30 pm--I never want to go back to Walmart, ever. Too bad, I have to go again tomorrow!

12:40 pm--I got a call from my mother on my way home, reporting that my family is returning home today, Friday, rather than Saturday night.

12:45 pm--I began frantically cleaning. It wasn't as bad as I anticipated, hence the report of my day.

Things I've learned from working for Kraft:

• I possess the ability to go 10 hours without going to the bathroom
• I am capable of spending extremely long periods of time in Walmart without entirely losing my sanity
• I can fit my body through a six-inch space.
• No amount of time off can fully heal the trauma of this job.

Normality at its finest

I suddenly realized just now that I have a lot to learn about sacrifice. When I think about sacrificing, I think of the story of Abraham and Isaac--sacrificing is obeying God and trusting him no matter what. I also think of Jesus dying--sacrificing is sometimes having to give up something important in order to do what's right. A modern-day example would be two people I know who have given up their summer or even an entire semester to do missions work. One isn't getting paid. Rather, she had to raise thousands of dollars herself. The other is paid, but she could be making more money here without working long hours every single day of the week. Thirdly, I think of Wheat Thins, ("Why Snackrifice?"), but that's another story. That is my picture of sacrifice. With that idea, I was sitting here feeling absolutely useless and worthless. I'm not one for self-pity, though, so I tried to get to the root of the issue. I tried to be elsewhere for the summer, but God brought me back here. I needed a second job, and God provided one. I don't really have friend here anymore, at least not close ones, but God says that's okay. I'm quite obviously exactly where he wants me...yet little or nothing has been sacrificed on my part. Whatever happened to denying myself, taking up my cross, and following him? It occurred to me that I have the large-scale sacrificing down, but what about the small things, the things that you may not hear in great stories of trust and faithfulness, but that are an integral part of one's relationship with God? I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes God calls people to live a "normal" life, have a normal job, and not necessarily do anything they can pinpoint and say "that's important." How, in those circumstances, can I make sacrifices on a daily basis? I very easily get into a rut of just living for myself once I get comfortable with where God has placed me. And I'll be completely happy! Then one day, though nothing out of the ordinary happened, my world will fall apart because God will slap me with the revelation that I'm accomplishing nothing and not growing whatsoever. That said, I don't think God is calling me to do anything differently than what I have been doing. He's asking, though, that somehow I give it to him. I'm not sure how to go about it, but I'm going to try. There's a song I rediscovered a few weeks ago by Jennifer Knapp, called Whole Again. The chorus says, "if I give my life, if I lay it down, can you turn this life around, around?" That's kind of my philosophy for this summer. I'm working on it.

Cookies and Crackers

I just realized it's been ten days since I last wrote anything! Unfortunately, in these past ten days, I haven't thought of anything brilliant. As all of you know, I started my job with Kraft last week, stocking and displaying primarily cookies and crackers. So far, it's been good! Some stores are far better than others, and some of the sales reps are much more pleasant to work with, but overall I really like it.  I like that I get to do a lot of driving to places I haven't been before--I've already learned a lot about where things are and how to get there. The only inconvenient part is that I don't find out if I'm working until after 5 pm the day before. It's impossible to make plans! I don't have a lot to say, though--it seems all I talk about lately is work. After all, all I do is work and spend time recovering from working. It's not too exciting, but it's pleasant.

For some reason, tonight I miss people from school significantly more than usual--Liz, Brad, Sharon, Mandie, Tori...it's sad. I want to go back! I've been happy here, really, but I don't feel like this is where I belong anymore. Like anyone, I act differently around different people. It's not that I'm fake or not myself around any of them; they simply bring out different facets of my personality. I like who I am at school with the people there better than who I am here. I'm happier there, more considerate, less selfish, more ambitious...and these wonderful people whom I miss so much are an enormous part of that. 

On the bright side, I had a really good, much-needed conversation with God on the way to work yesterday. I had no huge revelations or anything; we just talked. And this may or may not be related, but yesterday ended up being a fantastic day. How about that. 

Okay...so if I think of anything interesting to say, I'll write more. I miss it! 

Communion

Last night, with it being the first Sunday in June, my church had Communion during our evening service. I've never liked Communion, except for the fact that it involves food, however small the amount. I always volunteer to help clean up afterward so I can drink all the extra grape juice. Anyway, it's just so formal and serious; it kind of scares me. This time, though, I viewed it a bit differently. As my pastor recited some of Jesus' last words, "this is my body which was broken for you," my mind turned to the Last Supper story that I had just read twice, in Matthew and in Mark. I pictured the confusion on all the disciples' faces at that statement. I continued, thinking about the flurry of events that came almost immediately afterward--the arrest of Jesus, the trial, the crucifixion, and the resurrection. Many of the same disciples who sat around that table in awe of their Lord failed him only hours later. When reading, for example, the story of Peter denying Jesus three times, I often shake my head and wonder how he could've done that. After all, he physically followed Jesus for about three years, and was even warned of it beforehand. Last night, sitting in the corner of my church, I realized something. Within the next few hours of honoring the same events that the disciples did, I, like Judas, would disown Jesus--maybe not on quite so large a scale, but by my attitude and actions. I, like Peter, would deny him, through my priorities. And I, like Thomas, would doubt him, through my failure to trust in the promises he has fulfilled repeatedly in my life. It was humbling, and changed my perspective. For anyone who reads this, I challenge you to think of either specific or general ways in which you disown, deny, or doubt God, and figure out how you can be more like Christ in those areas.

Too much?

I just finished watching "The Devil Wears Prada" (for the third time), and I have come to the conclusion that I have a love-hate relationship with that movie, similar to "Running with Scissors," only for very different reasons. I find it funny and entertaining, despite the fact that Anne Hathaway can't act and even Emily Blunt, I think, performs below par. What really impacted me this time around was how absurdly materialistic our society, and the human race in general, is. Given the money, almost anyone, almost, will maybe not necessarily become greedy and heartless, but will undoubtedly indulge himself far more than he should. 

I work at the lowest end of the fashion industry, and even there it's disgusting. The way we convince people they need certain shoes because they're "in style," they'll attract attention, they'll go with a certain outfit, they're something basic that every wardrobe requires, etc...it's manipulative and utterly unnecessary. But isn't that the whole point of fashion?  

Last week, I was in a mall I don't normally visit with my friend, Ellen. We were there to see a movie because Ellen had a gift card for that particular theatre. There are two reasons neither of us would usually go there: one, we have a perfectly good mall that is closer to where we live, and two, this was is what we refer to as a "rich mall." We had some time to kill before the movie began, so we wandered around with the intention of gawking at the ridiculously high prices of various items. The first store we wandered into was Ralph Lauren. The only experience I've ever had with Ralph Lauren was on the sale rack at Macy's when I was Christmas shopping for my mother. I got her a sweater for about $25. Thinking this may just be one of the sole affordable stores the mall offered, Ellen and I immediately gravitated toward a pair of blindingly bright orange denim pants that we proceeded to mock. Upon sneaking a look at the price tag, we discovered, to our shock, that they were $245. Who in the world would pay $245 for any pair of pants, let alone hideous orange ones? We then found an equally atrocious orange and white striped collared shirt which we combined with the pants to make the Orange Outfit of Doom. 

My point is that materialism is such an issue, yet I realize this and still fall prey to it. As I was watching the movie tonight, I found myself thinking, "Whoa, I look like crap. I definitely need to replace like half my clothing!" Of course I quickly pulled myself out of that mindset, but it left me wondering, how much is too much? There's a lot that I don't exactly need, but I don't think having it is wrong. Where is the balance between having enough to be acceptable by social standards (i.e., a family wouldn't get along too well here if they owned a one-room house with a dirt floor and no electricity or plumbing) and having more than I should? I believe it differs for everyone, but it's still interesting to ponder. The Devil can wear Prada if he likes, but I'll stick to something a bit more affordable that wouldn't forever scar my conscience. 

Little Blessings

Today has been a good day, one that included Starbucks and Aveda tea, so I'm feeling quite positive. I thought it'd be a good idea make a list of some of the good things in my life, just for the record.

1. Coffee
2. Tea
3. Cute movies
4. Wonderful friends all over the world, even if they're not here in Illinois with me
5. New friends
6. New jobs
7. Old jobs
8. Jobs that neighbors randomly call me to do
9. Awesome managers (Stephanie...and it's looking like Ken is going to be good as well!)
10. Finding humor in the oddest places
11. Seeing how God is working through the people I love
12. Hamsters (Harold specifically)
13. Oreos
14. Big bags with which to sneak food into movie theatres
15. Exercising
16. The internet
17. Disney music
18. Friends (the show)
19. All things Asian
20. Funny stories 
21. Pictures 
22. Crystal Light
23. Crumpets
24. Things to look forward to
25. Post-it notes that were lost but are now found!

I know that's only a few--I'm thankful for a whole lot more--but those are what has affected me most today. 

Proverbs 18:24

After today, I will have completed my 11th day at home. I was dreading coming back, to be totally honest. Not that I don't love my family, but I was just sad to leave. Really sad, and not looking forward to adjusting. I love my life at school. Anyway, home has been far better than expected. I've stayed busy thus far, I've made a reading list, decided on a summer project, gotten a second job, begun reading through the New Testament...yet somehow, I've still often found myself dissatisfied. It isn't that I'm ungrateful; there are a couple reasons.

For one, it's hard to stay positive around here. Ethan's negativity is far more contagious than I ever imagined. I had never realized quite how much my attitude was affected by his, but now that I've been gone, it obvious to me. It affects my mom, too, which in turn gets me again. This summer, I'll work to figure how how to respond and deal with it. At the same time, being away from school has left me with far less spiritual encouragement. Here, I go to church one or two times each week; at school it was chapel anywhere from one to three times a week, small group once, Old Testament three times, church once, and random discussions about God and the Bible both inside and outside of class. 

More importantly, I have no friends here--good friends, at least. I have people who are at that stage where they're more than acquaintances, but I wouldn't necessarily say they are friends. My friends are currently in Michigan, Georgia, Alabama, Romania, and South Africa. Immediately I came to the conclusion that maybe God did this for a reason. Maybe this is intended for me to become closer to him rather than relying on other people for support. After all, "there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother" (Proberbs 18:24). My question is, how do I make it where I look to God first? How do I make him my friend? Dozens of times each day, something happens, and I think about how I should tell a specific friend of mine about it. Why do I not think of God when things happen? How do I make communication with him natural and think of talking to him frequently, like I would if I was speaking to a person who was with me? 

I am thankful for all the good things that have happened since I came home. I am certainly not sulking in any of the very few misfortunes that I have. I just want answers for how I'm supposed to go about learning these lessons. 

Just Listen

I just (as in two hours ago) finished a book, for the first time all year! I don't get around to reading much these days. I read Just Listen, by Sarah Dessen. Dessen's books are a guilty pleasure of mine. They are easy to read, a bit melodramatic at times, and simply typical "feel good" books. I pride myself in my enjoyment of more complex and sometimes controversial books that involve far less high school drama. Still, something about Dessen's insight into human character attracts me to her stories. Just Listen, as expected based on previous experiences, captivated me. I won't go into detail about the story--the way it sounds would make me all the more embarrassed to have spend the last couple days reading it--but there was one good lesson that came out of it. The primary theme, I'd say, was honesty. Not just honesty in the truth or lie sense, but in regard to openness. It has made me highly aware of how honest I am with people and with myself. How many times do I respond "Fine" to the inescapable "How are you?" even when I'm having a day that I'm really not pleased with? Or why have I hinted at telling my best friends stories of how my life used to be, but then hesitated and withdrew my offer? How should I act upon this newfound consciousness?

Overall, Just Listen was a decent book. It kept me highly entertained and excited to read on. I'd recommend it. If you decide to read it, let me know! I love discussing books.

Other books on my list this summer:

-Les Miserables (assigned by Liz)

-The Historian (assigned by Tori)

-Serving with Eyes Wide Open (recommended by Liz, assigned by myself)

-The Jesus Creed and Life Giving Mentors (assigned my Murdoch for Sherpas)

Home

Well well well...I am finally at home. "Home," as in the place I've lived for almost 11 years. Why does it not feel more like home? It's odd. I've been out of school for a week and a half now, and have had quite adventurous times between then and now. Last Thursday, I left GR and drove to Grand Haven, where I stayed for two nights. Saturday it was back to GR for Circle's wedding! I ended up spontaneously visiting Liz that night as well, since she was still at school. Afterward, I drove down to the Detroit area for Mother's Day and my grandma's birthday. The next night it was up to Shelbyville for a party at Liz's house with her and Tori. Coffee + spaghetti + smoothies + movies = amazingness. 

Actually...I don't feel like writing now. I'm exhausted. Goodnight.

"The Last"

With the end of the semester looming in the near future, I've begun to hear a certain word quite frequently: "last." Next week is the last week of classes. The ending of my last final the week after will be the termination of my freshman year. Next week will also be my last service project with my Leadership Journey group that I've been with since day one of arriving at Cornerstone.

Monday night was the Leadership Journey banquet/dessert reception. It was an exciting and entertaining time for which preparations have been made since the beginning of the semester by our LJ group leaders, the Sherpas. What I loved most was that it enabled my group to be together outside our service project one last time during the frenzied end of the semester. It was held at the nearby Resurrection Life Church's youth center, where concerts and other events often take place. There were several amazing desserts, awards, videos of the year's service projects, speakers, and professional photographers to document the occasion. My favorite part, though, was the presentations that were done by three separate sets of students. Ironically, each involved a humorous form of singing that left the audience laughing hysterically.

Most of the evening was bittersweet. It was the culmination of two semesters of getting to know the ten people from my LJ group who have become like family to me. At the same time, since I and three others from my group will continue on to be Sherpas next year, it only marked the halfway point of our participation in LJ (or Terra Firma, the new name by which it will be called in forthcoming years). In that sense, a great deal of enthusiasm about a new year of new students and new possibilities was generated that presented me, to my delight, with an extensive list of "firsts" to look forward to.

Following the banquet, the my group was invited to the house of our CUF, Pete--a faculty member of Cornerstone who oversees the group--for even more dessert. We ended up playing an intense game of Scene It where we learned that although we all love movies, we really don't know that much about them. Still, we all had great time cheering for each other and celebrating the rare occasion when we would know the answer to a question.

A year ago, I was mulling over all the lasts of high school: graduation, the last chance I had to be with my friends on a daily basis, my last couple months of living at home before school, and the last time I would simply have to return my loaned textbooks to the school rather than search for someone to buy them. If I could've seen myself now, it would've been completely incomprehensible. The wonderful blessings I've had in my first two semesters at college make last year's "lasts" seem so insignificant that I look back and laugh. Even though I'm sad about this year coming to a close, I trust that I will never cease to be amazed when I discover the awesome opportunities in the future.

Happy Easter part 1

Yes, I know, Easter was yesterday. However, as long as I'm still not back at school, it's Easter weekend. With the combination of the 40 or so days of Passover, Palm Sunday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Easter Sunday, and Easter Monday (since when is that a holiday?), Easter is more a period of time than a holiday. Just like there's the Christmas season, there is also the Easter season. I find it odd that two weeks before Christmas, you can tell someone merry Christmas and it's perfectly acceptable. If you did the same with Easter, the recipient of the well-intended wishes would most likely look at you quite strangely. But nevertheless, happy Easter.

These past two Easters have been significantly different from all those in the past. For me, Easter is usually nothing more than a normal Sunday with a couple extra choir pieces in the church service and an especially good dinner. Last year, I spent Easter in Romania, where my missions team held a service in a gypsy church. Even though their Easter was on a different date, they had a special meal for us that included a cake in the shape of a lamb and chocolate bunnies for our leaders. The hospitality of the Romanian people amazes me. This Easter was supposed to be back to normal until my parents decided they were going to desert me and visit my grandparents in Florida. One of the great things about Cornerstone is that there is always someone who is willing to adopt a student who has been estranged from their family for the weekend. Mandie's family was thrilled to take me in. Since Mandie is in choir and had a performance Friday night, we weren't able to leave after classes on Thursday like most people did. The general population thought that was really unfortunate, but we didn't mind. It gave us extra time to clean, pack, relax, and just enjoy the quiet atmosphere before driving home.


My Easter break actually started late Thursday night. Since I didn't have to worry about packing until Friday, I used Thursday afternoon and night as an intense time of homework and got a ridiculous amount accomplished. Following that, Liz (my suitemate, friend, and RA) and I had our weekly night of watching Asian TV shows. The love for all things Asian is so widespread in Cook that it could almost be considered an epidemic. It has initiated many relationships and Asian show-related craft projects that include but are not limited to cards, posters, pillow cases, calendars, and teddy bears. The poster that was made for Jenna, a girl in my section, is pictured. Anyway, on Thursday night we finished our third show of the semester then had one of our regularly occurring spiritual/theological discussions. I was finally in bed around 5:30 Friday morning.

Needless to say, I did not want to wake up Friday. I've learned, though, that what I remember most about college won't be the few mornings where I was exhausted. I'll remember the awesome nights that I enjoy staying up with friends, investing in those relationships, and having thought provoking conversations of which some have greatly changed me. It's times like this that I live for, along with a couple other times--when I see God in a totally new way and when I have the opportunity to show people how much I care about them. They are definitely worth the lack of energy that comes with the next day.

Not much of Friday is worth noting, with the exception of Cornerstone's choir. They never cease to amaze me. Their Good Friday performance was absolutely magnificent. They joined with two other small choir groups to make a total of 106 people with eight different music parts. If I could describe it in one word, it would be awesome--not in the loose sense in which it is frequently used, but in the true sense of "awe."


Despite how tired we were, our drive to Detroit was filled with stories and ridiculously loud singing along to Disney songs. "A Whole New World" will always be my favorite.


To be continued...

Cinderella Night

Last Wednesday night, my section, C1W, teamed up with C2W for a section activity. Unlike any other activities we've done, this one incorporated a service project along with going out afterward. We spent an hour cleaning various places around Cook Hall, then dressed up and went to Applebees--hence the title, "Cinderella Night." I'll admit I was somewhat apprehensive about the cleaning part at first; cleaning my own messes doesn't bother me whatsoever, but cleaning other peoples' messes can be a bit overwhelming. Fortunately, Cornerstone Housekeeping has been doing an excellent job, which greatly reduced the difficulty of our chores. Liz, my ever-prepared RA, made a list and assigned two to four people to each job. Two girls from C2W and I cleaned the 2nd floor lounge's kitchen. Initially it seemed like a daunting task, but it ended up being highly enjoyable and inspiring both humorous and serious conversations about everything from celebrities to our futures.

With the immense satisfaction of having a clean dorm building, we proceeded to change out of our nasty cleaning clothes and look as nice as we possibly could in about 20 minutes. Everyone's transformation was sufficient proof that no more than half an hour should be necessary to get ready for class in the morning. Upon our arrival to Applebees, a considerable amount of time was spent debating whether the place we parked was a handicapped space or not. While it was somewhat of a frustrating discussion, it inspired jokes that kept us entertained all night. We took full advantage of the 1/2 off appetizers, I was forced to try artichoke dip, many photos were taken, and some of us gave the others an anatomy lesson on how everyone's palate is different and what that entails as far as food textures. After we finished eating, took a couple group pictures, and wished everyone a great Easter break, we piled once again into our cars and returned to school.

Further In

"Further in." That is what the Mr. Beaver told Peter, Susan, and Lucy in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. At least it was in the movie--I haven't read the book in about ten years. Anyway, he says this before leading them to a place that was warm and comfortable, apparently hardly worth noting, yet it was an integral part of their journey. It was there a few words would be uttered that would seal their fate. Now I expect nothing so profound from a blog. I hope, though, that it can be an accurate account of some of the many aspects of my life in the wonderful place to which I have been summoned that has and I'm sure will continue to drastically change me.